“Fatten Down The Hatches!” Because Here Comes The Boy.

My son, a.k.a. The Boy, started Kindergarten today.  Which is why this blog post is a bit late.

Part of me is going “whee!!  Dedicated writing time!”

Part of me is saying, “He’s so little — how is he going to manage with all those big kids at that big school?”

Then, “When did he turn five?  When did I become the mother of a five year old?”

Then, because if you knew him you’d see this is a viable possibility:  “What if he’s organizing a prison riot during recess?”

The Legend of The Boy.

My son is a character.  I am told this is not surprising: he comes by it honestly.  He’s the one who came up with “Fatten down the hatches!”  (He’s since learned it’s really “Batten.”) He makes me laugh, and as much as I love the free time, there’s definitely a slightly poignant shift as I rattle around my empty house, wondering what, exactly, is amiss.

So for those of you not on my Facebook page (and because frankly I am scattered today), here are some of The Boy’s greatest hits from the past few months.

The Boy’s random quote of the day: “When I date… I’m gonna look FANCY.”

The Boy & I, thumb wrestling. “You’re not allowed to count faster!” he says. “Only I’M allowed to!” I ask him why that is. “Medical reasons,” he replies.

The Boy: “Mom, I’m hungry!” Me: “So have a carrot.” The Boy: “I’m not *that* hungry.”

The Boy and I have made a newspaper. He wants to sell it door to door. “You start the sale,” he says, “then I’ll go in for the kill.” And yes… he’s five. #soproud

My Boy is a fishing god, apparently. Caught 18 — count ’em — EIGHTEEN fish today. “You know,” he mused, “I should do this more often.”

The Boy has constructed a castle of cardboard boxes — I’m to report there, with a secret password to enter. “How about ‘lollipop’?” I suggest. He wrinkles his nose. “How about something more sophisticated,” he replies. “Like… ‘fighterjets.'”

I have accidentally run over The Boy’s Green Lantern sticker with my office chair, mangling it. He now says I have broken his heart in two, that he doesn’t even know me any more, and that I am not invited to his birthday party. Am now eyeing the multitude of packing boxes and wondering what postage would be to send a 44 pound boy to Australia.

I said: “Please play for a bit while Mommy works.” The Boy heard: “Please turn the house into the inside of a goat’s stomach while my back is turned.”

The Boy: “if I were a superhero for real, I could fight bad guys every day… with my laser vision! BOOYAH!” He is so my kid.

The Boy is officially enrolled in Kindergarten. We drove up to drop off paperwork, and I told him “this is where you’re going to be going to school.” He looked, curious, and said, “so this is college?”

The Boy and I at the park, watching a pair of Huskies out on a walk. Then, one mounts the other. I try to ignore it, say “oh, look at the trees” and he blinks, looks at me, and whispers in a faux British voice, “Shocking.”

The Boy makes up his own karate moves. “This is a combination of a duck and a kick!” Big, feral smile. “It’s a DICK!” I could not keep a straight face.

The Boy’s new favorite song: “Bad” by Michael Jackson. I am being punished for something. He also thinks Pearl Jam should change their name to something catchier: “The Pearl Jams.”

Got lost on the way home with The Boy. Guy cuts me off, then proceeds to go 7 mph and turn on blinker randomly. “I see you’re lost, ” I mutter, already at the end of my rope. The Boy then yells out: “So are we, woman!”

“You see that tree? That’s really a man in a tree suit,” The Boy says, pointing.  “I’M ONTO YOU, TREE!”



  1. Such a wonderful little man! I still remembered the day the nurse handed me a beautiful newborn in the nursery; and today he stands there waiting for a school bus taking him to the first day of school. I miss that beautiful baby boy so much. But today, I am so proud of my little man and pray that his journey will be full of excitement and love.

    1. I would have found the “so are we, woman!” funnier if I weren’t the “woman” in question. That said… oh, man. Sometimes I think he’s possessed by an 80 year old comedian!

  2. I’d seen many of these on FB, but seeing them all together is a laugh riot! Enjoy this bittersweet rite-of-passage day; they’ll be comin’ hot and heavy for, oh, the next twenty years or so. Thanks for sharing, and enjoy your extra writing time!

    1. Thanks, Vaughn. Today’s a wash, but I look forward to a routine for both of us. And yeah, I knew this day was coming, but it didn’t look like this in my head, y’know? 🙂

  3. LOL I agree with Vaughn,I remember seeing these on FB but they are wonderful. I’m glad you are keeping a record of these moments. My son gave me a lot of wonderful surprises but I remember only a few.

    One of my favorites was when he was 3 and still didn’t say much, he was playing with his LEGOs and acting out some battle, I heard him sing “The Emperial March” from Star Wars.
    I was so proud. 🙂

      1. Good LoarrM!rdiage is in the shitter. Society is crumbling. Men are committing suicide at 400% the rate of women. Men lead the way in all of the top ten fatal diseases. Men's lifespans are 10% shorter than women's. Men make some 94% of workplace injuries and deaths. Boys are bailing on education and society at an alarming rate. And Laura shows up complaining about getting a cup of coffee!How about a bit of perspective, eh?

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